she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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