new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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