I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
FUCK WHALES
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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