Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
