I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
