one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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