I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
