If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
