During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
