Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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