he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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