So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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