apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
