Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
