I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
