considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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