we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
