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The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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