Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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