DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
