You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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