Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
40s are totally the cure
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
