I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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