I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
