i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
