I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
