i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
