He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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