I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
