You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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