I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
