I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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