Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
