the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
