You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
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