a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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