I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
