I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
