I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
