Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
