I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I wish you could order shots online.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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