sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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