I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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