her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
