yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
