i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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