Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
