oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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