well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
