Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
