it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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