so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
God gave him joint rollers for hands
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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