New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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