I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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