and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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